Dreams & 3BHK: A Reflection on Parental Aspirations and Sacrifices

Recently watched the Thamizh movie 3BHK (3 Bedrooms, Hall, and Kitchen Apartment), which tells the story of Vasudevan (Vasu), a lower-middle-class father in India, and his relentless pursuit of owning a 3BHK apartment. His dream spans two decades, during which his entire family—his wife, son, and daughter—sacrifice their own aspirations to help him achieve it.

Yet, every time they near their goal, life intervenes: Prabhu, their under-performing son, requires a hefty capitation fee for engineering admission; their daughter Aarthi’s marriage demands financial resources; and Vasu suffers a cardiac arrest, adding medical bills to their burdens. The cycle repeats with cruel predictability.

Prabhu’s Struggle: A Dream Deferred

Prabhu, though not academically brilliant, dreams of becoming a Mechanical Engineer. However, with low marks, his only option is a private college that demands an exorbitant capitation fee. His aspirations are crushed when the principal declares, “The future is in IT—better take IT.” Pressured by Vasu, Prabhu reluctantly pursues IT engineering while working part-time at a machine shop—his true passion.

After struggling through his degree, he lands a programming job but finds no joy in it. When Vasu arranges his marriage to a wealthy man’s daughter (for financial security,) Prabhu rebels and on the eve of his engagement, he elopes with his school sweetheart, declaring, “This is the first decision I’ve made with my heart!”

His IT career ends abruptly when his manager dismisses him: “You just Ctrl C & Ctrl V code. Nothing great!”—a harsh truth about India’s IT sector. He declares, “IT has its future, but my future is not in IT!” Finally free, Prabhu returns to his passion, working at the machine shop and pursuing Mechanical Engineering degree with his earnings and eventually securing a well-paying mechanical engineering job.

Aarthi’s Sacrifice: The Cost of Conformity

Aarthi, on the other hand, earns a commerce degree and secures a good job – only to be married off after a five-minute meeting, a common tragedy in middle-class Indian families. Forced to quit her job by her in-laws, she becomes a domestic servant in her in-laws’ home, enduring abuse until she finally walks out and files for divorce. Returning to work becomes her solace.

The Bittersweet Fulfillment of a Dream

In the end, Aarthi and Prabhu secure a housing loan and buy the long-coveted 3BHK apartment. The family moves in, but at what cost?

The film poignantly portrays a father living his dreams through his children, dictating what their dreams should be. The mother, a silent spectator, embodies the passive compliance often seen in traditional Indian households.

A Lesson for Parents: Let Children Dream

Parents should never live vicariously through their children. Instead, they must encourage their children to dream – and dream big. Their role is to support the children in achieving their dreams, not dictate what they should dream.

For a deeper understanding of Dreams, Aims & Goals, and how to achieve them, please click here to read my earlier blog.

Psalm 23 and Dreams

It was a ritual in our home that everyone recited the Twenty-third Psalm at the end of the evening prayer and the same was recited at our church at the end of the Holy Mass. This Psalm is applicable to one and all, irrespective of one’s religion and it reaffirms one’s faith in their God. The Twenty-third Psalm begins with “The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want”. In the Malayalam version which we recited as children, the “I shall not want” part was translated as “എനിക്കു മുട്ടുണ്ടാകുകയില്ല” (enikku muttundakukayilla), and I always looked at my knees after reciting it, as it literarily translated in any child’s mind as “I will not have my knees”.

God will open the door only if one knocks and hence the aspect of “I shall not want” in Psalm 23 is debatable. Without the ‘wants’ humanity would have never progressed and developed to its current stature. The modern version of the Psalm has put it more aptly as “The Lord is my shepherd; I lack nothing”. These ‘wants’ always tempted me to dream about anything and everything I came across as a child, mostly to be rebuked by elders saying that I was wasting my time dreaming – even the act of dreaming was rationed in our childhood—‘Who can dream what and how much’ was somewhat a pre-decided issue!

As I grew up and came under the stewardship of Late Mr PT Cherian, our House Master at Sainik School, Amaravathinagar, Thamizh Nadu, who always encouraged us to dream – to dream big – that too King Size. As I grew older, I read the Wings of Fire by Dr APJ Abdul Kalam wherein he says that “Dream is not that which you see while sleeping it is something that does not let you sleep.” This was the predicament I always faced while dreaming that it delayed my falling asleep and the same continues to date.

Veteran Commander D Reginald was my companion to operate the public address system in the school under the guidance of Mr PT Cherian while studying in Grade 9 (1974). All the amplifiers, speakers, cables, etc were kept in Mr Cherian’s Physics Lab and on Sundays after lunch we both would go there to carry out regular maintenance. Once we were accompanied by our friend S Harikrishnan (currently Manager, State Bank of India), who was an accomplished singer. The idea was to fulfill Hari’s dream of listening to his voice duly recorded on the audio cassette recorder. Being Sunday afternoon, we knew that Mr Cherian will never be around as he always enjoyed his afternoon siesta and never ever wanted to be disturbed at that time and there would be no one to stop us from (mis)using the precious cassette recorder. We recorded Hari’s song and played back the recording. That was the first time he ever heard his own singing. Hari had the brightest and the biggest eyes amongst us and he was so excited that his eyes bulged out like search lights.

After accomplishing the mission Hari left and we were on to our maintenance tasks. Reginald was always a better dreamer than I was and continues to be so till date. Our discussion was about the possibility that one day we would be able to record what we see with the same ease as we recorded Hari’s voice. That dream has come true today and we have even gone much ahead that we are able to transmit the same across the globe in real-time. Remember that ‘What you dream today will in all likelihood become a reality tomorrow.’

We have encouraged our children to dream and the effect of it is mostly heard from the washroom. I always hear their monologues, dialogues, role-playing, singing, etc while they spend their time in the washroom – the most private time one ever gets. I was really scared of doing this while growing up on the fear of what others will think about me (mad?) and so I could never give expression to my dreams.

One must dream, that too dream unlimited. That is when one gets into a creative mood and comes out with ‘out of the box’ ideas. Imagine if Newton or Shakespeare or Ved Vyasa did not dream; the world would have been surely poorer. Some of our dreams may fructify in our lifetime like the video recording dream we had as children; some we would be able to implement ourselves as we grow up.

One such dream I always carried was that of the ‘Bara Khana’ (Party for the soldiers) in the regiment. One always saw the chefs overworked in the kitchen, many soldiers toiling it out for erecting the tents, making seating arrangements, organizing entertainment, serving food and drinks, etc. Many soldiers took it as a ‘punishment’ and not as a time to make merry. My dream was that all soldiers in the regiment should be free from all chores and commitments and be free to enjoy the party with their families and friends.

On return to our permanent location in Devlali after an yearlong operational deployment, Late Col Suresh Babu approached me with the idea of party for the entire unit with the families. That was when I gave my directions based on my dreams – everything should be contracted out – from tent pitching, decorations, entertainment, food preparation and service – each and everything and no soldier would toil for it. The only hitch which Col Babu projected was that the waiters of the contractors will not be familiar with the military protocols and hence may not serve the Commanding Officer first and so on. I was fine with it as I never had any ‘doubt’ that I was commanding the unit.

On the day of the party, there were round tables laid out with chairs for all officers, soldiers and their families to sit and the contracted entertainment troupe started off with their performances. Snacks and drinks were being served by the contractor’s waiters and each and every one enjoyed the proceedings. At this time our chef came to me and said that it was the first party he attended. that too wearing his best clothes and thanked me immensely for arranging this. All the soldiers were unanimous that it was the first time they wholeheartedly enjoyed an evening, otherwise they would be running around and also closing down everything after the party. After the success of the first outsourced party, we decided that we would hold only two parties a year and would always be outsourced.

As one grows up, it would be feasible to implement one’s dreams, but many find it convenient to forget them then.