Month: April 2020

14 Comments Posted on by Reji Koduvath Family, Parenting

A Look at Friendship From a Gender Perspective

The Simple Geometry of Lifelong Friendship

For most of us, making friends is neither a difficult task nor an uphill climb. If it were, we wouldn’t have collected so many of them at different stages of life. The secret is to keep it simple and not overthink it.

From our first days in kindergarten to the present, friendships happen naturally. We rarely give them any serious thought. Over time, some become lifelong bonds, others remain casual, and some are just for a season. A few friends have already left for the heavenly abode, and many have simply faded from memory. Ultimately, how a friendship endures depends entirely on how we nurture it.

For someone like me—educated in a military school, graduated from two military academies, and having served a lifetime in uniform—these bonds are unbreakable. Whenever I have called on my old comrades for assistance or advice, even after years of silence, they have responded way beyond my expectations. We may be out of touch for decades, but the bond is glued so firmly that the moment the link is renewed, the relationship blooms all over again.

Proof in the Pull of a Phone Call

A few years ago, our son Nikhil wanted to do volunteer service at Mother Teresa’s Missionaries of Charity in Kolkata for a month. He booked his flights and was planning to search for accommodation near the venue. Without a second thought, I called Brigadier S. Ramakrishnan—my friend since our school days, who happened to be posted in Kolkata at the time—and asked if he could help Nikhil find a suitable place to stay. True to the spirit of old school ties, he and his charming wife, Vijaya, bypassed the search entirely. They welcomed Nikhil into their own home and looked after him like family for his entire stay.

Then, on a day in June 2018, my close friend and partner in teenage pranks, Vijayabhaskaran (affectionately known as Vijas), called me right out of the blue. Before he could even speak a word, a flash of memories hit me—all the colourful escapades we pulled off and the resultant punishments we endured together.

Vijas was calling to announce that his daughter, Sandhiya, who was studying engineering in Germany, had found her life partner in Ernesto, a Peruvian citizen. The wedding was scheduled for January 5, 2019, in Piura, Peru. I felt deeply honoured; I was the very first person outside their immediate family to hear about this cross-cultural celebration.

“Surely, we will be there!” I assured him, once again without a second thought.

Only later did the realization dawn on me: a schoolboy friendship was about to take me to a completely new continent and a lost civilization I had never dreamed of visiting. I had learned about Peru in middle school geography and the Incas in history class. I knew it was in South America with Lima as its capital, but where on earth was Piura? A quick Google search mapped the way, and soon, my wife Marina and I were boarding a flight to Peru to watch his daughter walk down the aisle.

Our son Nikhil wanted to do volunteer service at Mother Theresa’s Missionaries of Charity at Kolkata for a month.  He booked his air tickets and was planning to look for accommodation near the venue.  Without a second thought, I called Brigadier S Ramakrishnan, my friend since our school days who was then posted at Kolkata and requested him to help Nikhil to find a suitable place to stay. Without a second thought, he and his charming wife, Mrs. Vijaya Ramakrishnan welcomed Nikhil into their home and looked after him for the entire duration of his stay.

Beyond Boundaries and Distance

On paper, Vijas and I shared nothing in common. He is a Tamil Hindu and I am a Malayali Christian. We were raised in entirely different cultural settings and pursued vastly different professions. Vijas went on to become one of India’s top culinary minds, even featured in Sagrika Ghoshal’s book, 25 of India’s Biggest Chefs. Meanwhile, I served in the Indian Army and later migrated to Canada, while Vijas remained based in Bangalore. Yet, distances, geography, and professions don’t seem to matter. Our friendship blossomed in a school yard and remains just as vibrant today.

Interestingly, friendship paths can look very different within the same household. Marina studied in a residential school and stayed in a hostel for her graduation. A while ago, she was incredibly excited to join a WhatsApp group with her old school friends, but the excitement lasted barely a month. While she fondly remembers most of her schoolmates, she seems to have forgotten most of her university peers. Our daughter, Nidhi, appears to be treading the exact same path.

Nikhil, on the other hand, has a tight circle of four childhood friends. They belong to completely different ethnicities and follow wildly diverse passions: Patrick is in literature, Nam in drama, Thomas in art and design, Kevin in music, and Nikhil went into pharmacy with a career in the Canadian Military. Known affectionately as The Five Boys, they make it a strict point to gather once a month in Toronto just to toast their friendship.

The depth of their bond became clear recently when Patrick’s grandmother passed away at the ripe age of 91. She had meticulously maintained a diary throughout her life, and during her funeral, excerpts were read aloud. The pages contained numerous warm references to The Five Boys. During their many visits to Patrick’s home over the years, the boys had clearly kept the old lady in high spirits with their collective charm and humour.

A Mars and Venus Perspective

The contrast in how genders handle relationships became hilariously clear after Nikhil’s university graduation dinner. Following the official event, there was an after-party, and an after-after-party, with plenty of alcohol flowing.

When I picked him up the next noon to drive him home, a weary Nikhil looked over at me and said, “I did not know that these girls are so messed up with their friends. The ones we thought were the best of friends were at each other’s throats after a few drinks, full of bitching and profanity. We boys appear to have much less complicated relationships.“

You can call me a sexist if you like, but I am convinced that the outlook on friendship can be poles apart and entirely gender-specific. Just like in so many other facets of life, when it comes to the social circles we build, men really are from Mars, and women are from Venus!

4 Comments Posted on by Reji Koduvath Family, Parenting

Developing Reading Skills in Children

While on a family trip in our car, Marina asked our son Nikhil, then a University Student, as to how he developed reading skills.  The question was pertinent as Marina had migrated to Canada and I as a single parent had brought him up through his Kindergarten and Grade 1 while I was serving in the Indian Army.  Our daughter Nidhi was initiated into reading much earlier by Marina as she was a homemaker, and I was invariably tied up with my military duties.

Nikhil explained “While I was in Kindergarten every evening Dad read with me stories from many story books that I had inherited from Nidhi.  The story which interested me the most was ‘Three Pigs and a Wolf.’  The book was a well-illustrated one from a kid’s point of view and every page had a small sentence, thus easier for me to comprehend.  Dad used different voices for the three pigs.  The best was he named the third Pig the smartest one as Nikhil.  That held my interest.  Further he made changes to the story every time he read it and I used to be very inquisitive about it every time he read it to me.”

The four words माता पिता गुरु देवा (Matha Pitha Guru Deva) simply translates as ‘Mother Father Teacher God’. The word sequence originates in the Vedas, the scriptures that contain the essence of Hindu Philosophy. The four words contain an axiomatic truth regarding the order of reverence as laid down in the scriptures, which everyone needs to adopt. Irrespective of religion, down the ages, the idea has always been fundamental to Indian thought. It follows that as Parents You are your child’s first teacher.  Not that one needs a philosophical backing to comprehend this basic truth. It’s just that this basic tenet of human understanding had evolved thousands of years ago, at the very dawn of civilisation.

One of the first tasks of a Parent-Teacher is to develop reading skills in your child.  You’ve got to read with your child every day.  Children will always imitate their parents – children of parents who read turn out to possess better reading skills.  Children who are read to will end up loving to read.  It’s got to begin when your child is very young, as soon as you can make the child sit with you.

When I joined Sainik School, Amaravathi Nagar, Thamizh Nadu in Grade 5, I could neither speak nor read Thamizh, the native language of the state.  By interacting with our classmates, learning to speak Thamizh came very easily, but how to learn to read the language?  When I was in Grade 8, my buddy Vijas gave me an advice which hardly anyone would have heard of – “Look out there, it is the cinema poster for the movie ‘Raja Raja Chozhan’.   Read each letter of the Thamizh alphabet to form a word and continue the exercise whenever you see a poster while on the run to the dam every morning during Physical Training.”

I employed Vijas’ technique with Nikhil.  While driving – dropping him off at school, picking him up after school, commuting to the swimming pool or tennis court or for music class in the evening – I used to point out to various road signs, billboards, store and restaurant signs on the roadside and make him read them out aloud. Then we discussed the various aspects of displayed signs.  Every time we came across the McDonald’s logo, he reacted differently.

Here is the link to his reaction and reading.  McDonald’s logo is one of the most popular emblems in modern history.  It consists of an arched golden coloured ‘M‘ on a plain red background.  This simple one letter logo with two contrasting colours is bound to stay in the memory of any child, even without the gastronomic connection. Their eyes get promptly zoomed on to this simple logo from a long distance.  Whatever it is, the use of a single letter or the colours, everything homes on to a child’s imagination without making it look complicated.  The mantra is Just Keep It Simple.

What should your child be reading? Priority should obviously be given to what evokes his interest as obviously will sustain the reading habit and improve reading skills. Books about your country, other important places in the world, wild animals or dinosaurs – anything and everything, but age-appropriate.  Fiction – action, fantasy, science fiction, funny stories, comics, all of them foot the bill.  Adventure stories where the child can imagine to be the super-hero, princess, detective, and so on are ideally suited.

When your child raises questions?  Ensure that your child has time to think while he is reading, and this can be assessed by the questions that may be thrown at you.  Many a time it could be somewhat uncomfortable too.  Be prepared to answer all the questions and never snub the child.   While answering, instead of preaching, ask a question that will lead your child to talk about what he or she thinks.  That will give confidence to your child that you are listening.

Which language to communicate with your child?  A pertinent question mainly for the immigrants.  I recommend the language which you and your child are comfortable with.  It need not be English all the time.   Communicating in your mother-tongue will enthuse your child to learn more about your own cultural history.

With the effort you devote to developing your child’s reading skills, your child will grow up to become an excellent reader with strong writing skills. The knowledge gained will eventually transform him/her into and a valuable citizen.

Reading maketh a full man; conference a ready man; and writing an exact man (Sir Francis Bacon). It’s a gradual flow from one to the other. We all need to remember that even in today’s age of technology there is simply no substitute to reading skills. It will reflect on your child’s grades and will make a difference when he or she enters university or the workforce.

You don’t need a lot of special skills to help your child learn to read and write. You need not be super-parents.  Spending time with your child and doing everyday activities with a focus on the ‘written word’ makes all the difference in the world.

6 Comments Posted on by Reji Koduvath Indian Army

Public Address (PA) System

“Can you hear me at the back?”  Queried the Reviewing Officer at the Passing Out Parade of our nephew, prior to commencing his address to the Cadets.  There was a seven second utter silence that followed – as if those seven seconds did not exist in this world for everyone gathered out there.

Did the Reviewing Officer not trust the Commandant of the Academy, a General Officer, who invited him to be the Reviewing Officer?  Would everyone at the Academy have not put their best foot forward to ensure successful conduct of the most important and venerated event at the Academy?  As Cadets during our own Passing out Parade in the past, haven’t we all seen the Herculean efforts put in by everyone, especially the team responsible for the PA system, to ensure that each word spoken is audible at every nook and corner of the Parade Ground and beyond?

Was the Reviewing Officer expecting a reply?  Was he expecting a Cadet lined up in front to acknowledge his query?  Did he expect the Adjutant mounted on his charger, with a sword in his right hand and reins of the horse in the other to raise his sword as an answer?  Did he expect the buglers standing on the ramparts of the fort behind to play a note in acknowledgement?

What if the address was not audible to the Cadets? Would it make a huge difference? No. They would have already been bored to death with the surfeit of advices from all and sundry.  I do not remember a single word of the address by the Reviewing Officer at our Passing Out Parade, though the Reviewing Officer was the most charismatic of them all, Field Marshal Sam Manekshaw.  So would be the fate of any lesser mortal here and now. Senior military officers could sometimes do well without recourse to ‘out of place clichés’.

My mind flashed back to my military service days.  Once a month in military service, it was the day of the ‘Sainik Sammelan’ (Address to Soldiers of the Regiment by the Commanding Officer (CO)), a monthly ritual, mostly held on the last Saturday of the month.  During my Regimental service, I observed that a Sergeant responsible for the PA System set it up well before everyone assembled, tested it by tapping his fingers on the microphone and saying “Testing, Testing, Testing.”

Once the Regimental Sergeant Major assembled all the soldiers, he also tested the PA System by tapping his fingers on the microphone and saying “Testing, Testing, Testing.”  After that the Sergeant Major gave his report to the Subedar Major (Master Warrant Officer.)  The Adjutant then received the report from the Subedar Major who then handed over the parade to the Second-in-Command (2IC.)  At every stage of reporting, no one seemed to trust the poor PA system and everyone tested its functionality.

Now came the auspicious moment of the arrival of the CO.  The 2IC gave  the report to the CO and the CO settled down on the dais.  As the CO was about to commence his speech, the PA system sabotaged itself and gave out a most shrill and unholy tone “Koooooooooooo  Thap” and refused to do its job. Pure and simple system generated retribution for the lack of faith!!

The CO now looked at the 2IC, who in turn gave a frowning look at the Adjutant, who gave a dirty look at the Subedar Major, who now gave a dirtier look at the Sergeant Major, who finally gave the dirtiest look at the hapless Sergeant who set up the PA system.  Obvious display of lack of trust at every level of command.

Sainik Sammelans have been an event for the CO to demonstrate his oratory skills.  Some COs believed that they could communicate all their ‘accumulated wisdom’ on to their captive audience during the Sainik Sammelan and often in such cases, it extended to several hours.  In effect there was no transmission/reception of wisdom, but it ended up with sore bottoms, numb feet and a few caricatures of the CO by the officers.

Captain Desh Raj was the self appointed commander for all young officers (Lieutenants and Captains) of our Regiment. One day, after the CO’s Regimental Sainik Sammelan, Captain Desh Raj summoned all of us, five young officers of the Regiment, and directed us to show him our note pads where we had noted down the points briefed by our Commanding Officer.  All of us, except one, were reluctant to display our pads.  We were all trying to hide our note pads, but Captain Desh Raj successfully managed to snatch them from us and glanced through them.  Soon thereafter he declared “None of you can make a good caricature of our CO.  Your artistic skills need to be toned up.  Look at my note pad and the next time I want to see a better caricature of our Commanding Officer from you all than this masterpiece of mine.”

That was when I realised that all those serious note taking by all young officers were much the same and on similar lines to what Captain Desh Raj did!  When I became a Battery Commander and later a CO, I ensured that all my Sainik Sammelans were of less than ten-minute duration. Possibly, I was mortally scared of my subordinates drawing my caricature! So I resolved not to give them time for the act.

Whether the PA system is working or not, there is no need to raise the question “Can you hear me at the back?”  Every speaker must realise that nothing much can be done at the nick of time other than the speaker straining his vocal cords to make the speech audible to all.  It only shows lack of trust in the organisation or the person who invited you to speak. Above all, a routine and meaningless cliché that is best avoided!!

7 Comments Posted on by Reji Koduvath Indian Army

Abiding Faith

While commanding the Surveillance and Target Acquisition (SATA) Battery at Devlali in 2003, I received a call from the Colonel General Staff (Col GS) of the Artillery Division, our higher HQ, that he wanted our soccer team to represent the Division in the Corps level soccer tournament. The tournament was to commence in a week’s time and our Col GS knew that we had a very good soccer team.

The Col GS is in charge of the General Staff branch, responsible for training, intelligence, planning and conduct of operations, beside a host of other less important subjects. Most orders from the General Officer Commanding (GOC), pertaining to these issues are actually drafted and signed by him.

Our Col GS was Colonel Azad Sameer (now a Veteran Brigadier) and he was my friend, philosopher, mentor and guru while I was in command. Our relationship had started off on a strictly official level and evolved into a personal one of mutual respect and friendship at an emotional level. The entire Regiment knew this for sure, such that one day our Adjutant (the officer who acts as an administrative assistant to the Commanding Officer) came to me and said “We implicitly respond positively to all orders and instructions passed by the Col GS as we all know that you would always want them to be executed without a question.  Rather, there is no appeal against it even in the Supreme Court of India.” Now these words coming from an Adjutant who was fully aware that his Commanding Officer was no ‘yes man’ and invariably had issues with unfair/ incorrect orders or those that were either complicated or made no sense; these words quite simply summed up our professional and personal equation.

Colonel Sameer and I had never met before during our military career and our first meeting was when our Regiment became part of the newly raised Artillery Division.  We developed an instant liking for each other from our first meeting, a continuing equation as on date.

Our Regiment was then a cooperating unit of the School of Artillery, and as such we were not administratively under the Artillery Division.  The request for sending the soccer team came from the Col GS (who was also a soccer enthusiast and a very good player) and I had to take a decision whether to send the team, or politely tell him why it was not possible.  I was not obliged to do so, rather it was against the norms of the Indian Army. Also I was aware that if my response was negative, he would well understand.  But somewhere deep down I wanted to be positive in keeping with the ethos of our relationship. If I were to ask for approval from the School of Artillery, it would surely have been turned down.  The Regiment had immense training and administrative duties under the School of Artillery and manpower was always at a premium. The question was ‘will we be able to spare 14 soldiers for three weeks?  That too without proper military authority?‘ It’s also a case in point regarding some tough decision making that a Commanding Officer is required to do in a peacetime army.

Our Regiment Football Team at Elora Caves – Havildar Dharambir standing second from Left

I summoned Major Suresh Babu, our Second-in-Command to discuss the issue.  He led our soccer team to victory in the Station Tournament.  The most critical game of this tournament was with the team of officers attending Young Officers’ Course at School of Artillery for they were fresh out of the Military Academy and were fit as a fiddle.

After hearing me out, Major Suresh said “We got to send the team; it’s obvious from your words.  We can cover the soldiers’ move as a training event, but to send an officer we need explicit permission from School of Artillery which is near impossible.”

A decision was made – we will send 14 soldiers comprising the football team and the Col GS was to find an officer to lead the team from any of the other regiments of the Artillery Division and the same was conveyed to Col GS. Well, that was that.

It also meant that I will be without the services of my Radio-Operator-cum-Buddie – Naik Ranjith. He played as the Right Winger of the team and was also the reserve goalkeeper.

In the normal course, a divisional sports team would be drawn from the talent of all its dozen or so units, after a competition or trials and would have trained together for a while. So it is very seldom that a regimental team gets to represent a division. Sometimes in the Army, the Command and Control Hierarchy can be a strange animal. Here in this case while our Regiment was operationally under the Artillery Division, we were not under them for administration, sports or training. To that extent the orders to send the football team may even be viewed as illegal!! But having made the decision, more with my heart than with my mind, I got the team around, explained the overall situation and simply told them that they ought to do well. Being a Regimental team, we maybe a little short of talent, but that was well compensated by the ‘espirit de corps’.

After three weeks I got a call from Colonel Sameer – his voice brimming with excitement and pure elation.  He said “Reji, Congratulations!  Our team came runner-up in the Corps soccer tournament!  I never ever dreamt that this experiment would work the way it did and your boys would do so well!” Well I was a bit surprised too at the progress they made and thought to myself that although the orders were not entirely correct, I was happy with the decision I made and its outcome, both for the formation as well as the Regiment.

A few days later, we had a long chat over the phone about the soccer tournament.  Colonel Sameer was really thankful for our Regiment sending the team and said “Only you could have done it!”  I too was bit surprised about the laurels our team brought for the Artillery Division.

It turned out that a young subaltern from another regiment was appointed the team captain and as per his report it was very clear they would not have progressed to the finals of the tournament without the dedication and commitment of the soldiers from our Regiment.  He said that rather than he leading the team, they were forcing him to lead them.  They used to be up early morning and reached the ground for practise and he too had to follow them.  They devised strategies for each game and he only had to lead and implement them.

He reported that the senior Havildar (Sergeant) of the team, Havildar Dharambir had said to him “Our Commanding Officer has sent us on a mission having complete faith and confidence in us.  He spared us to play this tournament despite the heavy commitment of our Regiment.  Other soldiers in the Regiment had to put in extra hours to cover our absence.  We got to do our best as we cannot let down our Commanding Officer and the Regiment.  I am sure you will surely lead us to our aim.“

Keep abiding faith in the men under your command. Laurels will surprise you. 

Trusting your soldiers will not diminish or vanquish the anguish, but will enable you to endure it.