The Simple Geometry of Lifelong Friendship

For most of us, making friends is neither a difficult task nor an uphill climb. If it were, we wouldn’t have collected so many of them at different stages of life. The secret is to keep it simple and not overthink it.

From our first days in kindergarten to the present, friendships happen naturally. We rarely give them any serious thought. Over time, some become lifelong bonds, others remain casual, and some are just for a season. A few friends have already left for the heavenly abode, and many have simply faded from memory. Ultimately, how a friendship endures depends entirely on how we nurture it.

For someone like me—educated in a military school, graduated from two military academies, and having served a lifetime in uniform—these bonds are unbreakable. Whenever I have called on my old comrades for assistance or advice, even after years of silence, they have responded way beyond my expectations. We may be out of touch for decades, but the bond is glued so firmly that the moment the link is renewed, the relationship blooms all over again.

Proof in the Pull of a Phone Call

A few years ago, our son Nikhil wanted to do volunteer service at Mother Teresa’s Missionaries of Charity in Kolkata for a month. He booked his flights and was planning to search for accommodation near the venue. Without a second thought, I called Brigadier S. Ramakrishnan—my friend since our school days, who happened to be posted in Kolkata at the time—and asked if he could help Nikhil find a suitable place to stay. True to the spirit of old school ties, he and his charming wife, Vijaya, bypassed the search entirely. They welcomed Nikhil into their own home and looked after him like family for his entire stay.

Then, on a day in June 2018, my close friend and partner in teenage pranks, Vijayabhaskaran (affectionately known as Vijas), called me right out of the blue. Before he could even speak a word, a flash of memories hit me—all the colourful escapades we pulled off and the resultant punishments we endured together.

Vijas was calling to announce that his daughter, Sandhiya, who was studying engineering in Germany, had found her life partner in Ernesto, a Peruvian citizen. The wedding was scheduled for January 5, 2019, in Piura, Peru. I felt deeply honoured; I was the very first person outside their immediate family to hear about this cross-cultural celebration.

“Surely, we will be there!” I assured him, once again without a second thought.

Only later did the realization dawn on me: a schoolboy friendship was about to take me to a completely new continent and a lost civilization I had never dreamed of visiting. I had learned about Peru in middle school geography and the Incas in history class. I knew it was in South America with Lima as its capital, but where on earth was Piura? A quick Google search mapped the way, and soon, my wife Marina and I were boarding a flight to Peru to watch his daughter walk down the aisle.

Our son Nikhil wanted to do volunteer service at Mother Theresa’s Missionaries of Charity at Kolkata for a month.  He booked his air tickets and was planning to look for accommodation near the venue.  Without a second thought, I called Brigadier S Ramakrishnan, my friend since our school days who was then posted at Kolkata and requested him to help Nikhil to find a suitable place to stay. Without a second thought, he and his charming wife, Mrs. Vijaya Ramakrishnan welcomed Nikhil into their home and looked after him for the entire duration of his stay.

Beyond Boundaries and Distance

On paper, Vijas and I shared nothing in common. He is a Tamil Hindu and I am a Malayali Christian. We were raised in entirely different cultural settings and pursued vastly different professions. Vijas went on to become one of India’s top culinary minds, even featured in Sagrika Ghoshal’s book, 25 of India’s Biggest Chefs. Meanwhile, I served in the Indian Army and later migrated to Canada, while Vijas remained based in Bangalore. Yet, distances, geography, and professions don’t seem to matter. Our friendship blossomed in a school yard and remains just as vibrant today.

Interestingly, friendship paths can look very different within the same household. Marina studied in a residential school and stayed in a hostel for her graduation. A while ago, she was incredibly excited to join a WhatsApp group with her old school friends, but the excitement lasted barely a month. While she fondly remembers most of her schoolmates, she seems to have forgotten most of her university peers. Our daughter, Nidhi, appears to be treading the exact same path.

Nikhil, on the other hand, has a tight circle of four childhood friends. They belong to completely different ethnicities and follow wildly diverse passions: Patrick is in literature, Nam in drama, Thomas in art and design, Kevin in music, and Nikhil went into pharmacy with a career in the Canadian Military. Known affectionately as The Five Boys, they make it a strict point to gather once a month in Toronto just to toast their friendship.

The depth of their bond became clear recently when Patrick’s grandmother passed away at the ripe age of 91. She had meticulously maintained a diary throughout her life, and during her funeral, excerpts were read aloud. The pages contained numerous warm references to The Five Boys. During their many visits to Patrick’s home over the years, the boys had clearly kept the old lady in high spirits with their collective charm and humour.

A Mars and Venus Perspective

The contrast in how genders handle relationships became hilariously clear after Nikhil’s university graduation dinner. Following the official event, there was an after-party, and an after-after-party, with plenty of alcohol flowing.

When I picked him up the next noon to drive him home, a weary Nikhil looked over at me and said, “I did not know that these girls are so messed up with their friends. The ones we thought were the best of friends were at each other’s throats after a few drinks, full of bitching and profanity. We boys appear to have much less complicated relationships.“

You can call me a sexist if you like, but I am convinced that the outlook on friendship can be poles apart and entirely gender-specific. Just like in so many other facets of life, when it comes to the social circles we build, men really are from Mars, and women are from Venus!