Recently our friend’s son was getting married and he asked me for some tips.

Will I make my partner happy? What are her expectations? Does she belong to me? Will she accept me as is? Do I have to change in anyways to be more acceptable to her? Will I be able to perform? With the marriage day approaching,a lot of questions are going around a groom’s mind.  These questions lingered in my mind a few weeks prior to our wedding.

What happens after marriage, especially on the first wedding night is always unpredictable. Hence do not be paranoid about it. It doesn’t matter if you are a virgin or have some experience. It is all about communication – both verbal and non-verbal and as to how well you can connect with your partner.

Communicating and making each other feel comfortable in each other’s presence helps in setting the tone. Asking questions about each other’s likes, dislikes in their day-to-day life, helps in starting a conversation. It is all about recognising each other, coming together, complimenting each other, and starting a life together.  A simple compliment, such as, ‘How beautiful you look today!’  She has spent hours trying to look perfect on this big day. Expressing your love for an ‘I Love You’ at every opportune moment will pay rich dividends.  I did none of these as I thought it was being too filmy or that I wasn’t confident about expressing it.

On that day, with all the ceremonies, friends, relatives, photographs, both of you hadn’t had any opportunity to eat or drink.  Prior to your first night, ensure that both of you are well hydrated and have your stomach reasonably filled.  It would be wise to carry some snacks and water. I realised the importance of it on our first night.

Avoid being a Whisky-Dick.  Your friends may advise/ force you to have a drink or two on the garb that it will give you confidence and a boost.  Alcohol does no good and it only harms.   

Your friends must have narrated many stories of their escapades with sex.  You realise they were stories only after a few days of marriage.  What you see in those porn movies are in fact not real.  Some guys would have told you – “Kill the cat on the first night!”  You must know that they themselves did not do it.  I too tried it but failed miserably.

Don’t forget about personal grooming and take care of personal hygiene.  Grooming is an integral part of wedding preparation. A well-groomed man with less body hair makes a better impression. Make sure to groom your facial hair properly and keep your body hair in check. It would be best if you also cleaned your nails and feet, and you must take care of your skin. Look out for ill-fitted or mismatched clothes. They can make you look shabby.

Begin your grooming session now and repeat it once every month.  That is why you are the Groom. Fix an appointment with the spa and go for a complete pedicure and manicure session. You can also wax off the unwanted body hair. A complete body massage and a facial will do a lot of good. Repeat it once a month – even after the wedding.   In my case, it was the Regimental barber who did it a fortnight before my wedding on the day I left the Regiment on leave.  In those days there were no spas even for women at Kottayam. It was almost like Kamalahasan’s character in the Thamizh movie Guna, where he gets his pre-wedding grooming done by the village barber.

Make sure not to try a new barber for the wedding look. Do a trial of the wedding haircut a couple of months before the big day to see if it suits you.  It is preferable to keep some hair spray/ gel handy in case you’re having a bad hair day. In case you are opting for groom makeup, ask for a very subtle one.

When you go through your wedding photographs, you will realise that your fingers and toes were the most photographed organ of your body in an Indian Wedding. So, keep them clean and looking their best!

Start washing your face properly, not just soap and water. Invest in a good cleanser and a weekly exfoliator and you’ll soon notice an extra polish to your complexion.  Start a regular eight glasses a day water workout ahead of your wedding and your skin will be clear, clean, in time for your big day.

Your eyebrows should not end up as an angry unibrow. Pluck any stray hairs between your eyes a couple of days before your wedding. Invest in a trimmer to tidy up your ears and a separate trimmer for your nostrils.

Book your last haircut a week before your wedding. This will give enough time to let the style settle. A Hair spray might give you a better hold without looking stiff or shiny. Ensure that you try it out a few times before your weddings.  Gels and waxes may become messy.

Always use whitening toothpaste and schedule a dentist appointment a month before. Professional teeth cleaning and whitening is also an option.  Remember, brushing your teeth – both morning and evening – and using mouthwash is strictly vital.

 If you don’t already have a workout routine in place, now’s the time to start! Even if you’re not worried about losing weight, it’s always great to get in better shape and consistent exercise will give you more energy.

Select a mild perfume and a deodorant. Your body odour is much worse than what you perceive.  It should not end up as a put off for the bride.  You do not want to give the nostrils of your wife a tough time!  If feasible, find her choice of perfume – so do clothes. 

Thumb Rule when you get to your long-awaited wedding night, Take Your Time.

You have just had a big day, and now it is the two of you alone. Maybe a bath together, or a message to help you relax. Stretch out on the bed and hold and kiss each other, slowly and gently. Contraceptives are the greatest invention of mankind after computers!

Getting out of the introverted zone and talking will be difficult for both. The groom must take the initiative. Silence on the first night after marriage between a couple can invite bigger emotional problems. Do not be lost for words. Instead, try to make small conversations about recent things. Talk about how beautiful she was looking; has she experienced any inconvenience or has anything she would like to talk about in her mind. Be patient.  Do not interrupt.  She may take a long time to complete a sentence.  Always maintain intense eye contact and find words to fill in the silence.

You and your partner have never been sexually intimate, and both will harbour many apprehensions about your wedding night. She will be nervous- so do you.  You start the conversation about what you both are feeling. Try and identify the exact nature of your fears.

It would be prudent to ask her if she fears any potential pain that might occur with the first act of intercourse. Reassure her that you will be gentle and always listen to her if she asks you to stop or slow down.  Explain that you anticipate the first act to be a bit painful and that you might be unable to perform or, to the contrary, reach orgasm too quickly to satisfy her. I did not do it and for both of us, it must have been the most horrible sex-act.

Never feel ashamed about communicating about sex as she is going to be your life partner.  It is expected that you two will have many such conversations around sex and that’s a great to cement your relationship. Sex is a beautiful part of marriage, and you will always want to feel free to address this topic with each other.

On the first night, carry a tube or bottle of lubricant to help ease the act and make it less painful for both.  If your wife did not have pain or bleed with the first act of intercourse, please do not doubt her virginity. Using a lubricant will ensure that things go smoothly and will enhance both of your pleasures. Don’t hesitate to apply again if necessary. I recommend a water based lubricant as it won’t stain your sheets, it’s easy on the skin, and it washes off easily in water.

It is normal for you to be concerned about erection and orgasm. The most common concern among grooms is climaxing too soon and not lasting long enough to bring your partner to climax. If you are used to self-pleasuring, you may want to practice that close to the wedding day, so you last a little longer than if you haven’t climaxed in a while.  I practised it as advised by my senior officer.

If you orgasm too quickly, tell her exactly that. Then wait a bit and try it again. You’ll be pleasantly surprised at how fast you will get back to lovemaking after the first orgasm.  The second orgasm will be better longer and will be a confidence builder for you that you can perform!

Human nervous system is very complicated and if you are anxious about this being your first time, your penis will get frightened even before you and let you down.  One suggested method from my experience to overcome this fear is to explore your wife’s body with your eyes, hands, fingers, and mouth.  

Sex is not all about penis and vagina and need there need not be any penetration.  There are plenty of ways to help her relax and reach an orgasm that does not involve your penis. Your brain will always want you to get there – your penis even more – but hold on. 

Abstinence makes the penis grow stronger so does the vagina. Enjoy being newlyweds. Enjoy the parade of sex. Enjoy talking to each other, caressing each other, exploring each other’s body, and be imaginative. 

Don’t feel any pressure to imitate the movie hero and thunder into the bedroom and start rattling the bed posts. Take some time to catch up. You’ve just spent many hours with hundreds of people; this might be your first chance to swap jokes and laugh at her mom’s antics. Take a time-out of the chaos and have a good look at her for the first time after she has been yours.

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