The Ride Home

Picking up our son Nikhil from school one afternoon—he was in Grade 12—I noticed that he did not look his normal self. After driving for a few minutes, I asked what had gone wrong at school. Slightly surprised by my question and clearly in no mood to answer, he said, “It’s OK.” That response itself was evidence enough that things were not all that good.

After a few minutes, he finally revealed his agony. That morning, his group had delivered a presentation – and two of the four students had come completely unprepared. The result had been a disaster. He was not feeling good about the entire incident.

Watching the Fallout

During the lunch break after the presentation, the student who had put in serious effort tore into the unprepared two. Nikhil admitted that he enjoyed the show—but said not a single word. He wanted to see how silence is golden played out. He also wanted to accept the failure (even though it was not his fault) with humility, while still enjoying the spectacle of the other student castigating the unprepared pair.

He explained all this using a generous helping of North American teen adjectives and prepositions – all those spicy words that most sons would never throw at their fathers. I listened patiently. I did not utter a word. I was not happy about the coarseness of his language, but I decided not to react.

I try to avoid immediate reactions. Children at that stage are never ready to listen or see any logic in what we say. Reacting only pushes up your blood pressure and leaves a bad aftertaste.

Lunchtime Reflection

While having lunch after reaching home, I said to him: yes, you did not have a good day at school, and you were wise enough to accept the failure. But the language you used to explain it should be avoided as much as possible. Bad language, I explained, is never a problem solver – it only ends up as a frustration enhancer.

To this he replied, “Dad, the hormones are kicking in. As a teen, I have no control over it.”

My mind flashed back to my National Defence Academy (NDA) days, where we used the same expressions with our friends to vent frustrations after a horrible event or a bad day.

Why Teens Swear

As children grow up, they tend to experiment with inappropriate language and dirty jokes. In most cases, it is imitation – of adults they have seen at home, in movies, in television shows, or in the community. The need of the hour is to make children realise the appropriateness of the language they use and its impact on listeners.

Many teens resort to inappropriate language to demonstrate that they have become mature adults. Parents must explain that inappropriate language is never an impressive trait; it earns no credit, only disrespect.

It is very easy to preach. But when a careless driver cuts you off, or a heavy object falls on your foot, some profanity is sure to slip out. As a mature parent, acknowledging that you used an inappropriate word—and that you should have avoided it—is in itself a good learning experience for any child.

The Parent Trap

Overbearing, over-controlling parents often drive teenagers to break rules and release parental pressure. Also, to prove they are “cool” in front of their peers, many children end up using swearwords.

It is the parent’s duty to train their children in appropriate and correct language use. Some tips that I used effectively:

Listen, Listen, and Listen. Always make it a point to give patient listening to your children. Show keen interest in what they are saying and provide feedback. If you do not listen to your children, do not expect them to listen to you when they become teens or young adults.

Never Laugh It Off. Most children would take laughter as approval and will repeat the behaviour when they want to steal the spotlight.

Do Not Overreact. Overreaction only reinforces the behaviour. The child is most likely to use it again to gain attention or to irritate you.

Do Not Confront. Anything said to an angry person will only upset them further. Explain alternatives to inappropriate language at a calmer time.

Watch Your Words. At home or while going out with children, use the most dignified language you can muster. Always remember: your child will pick up one swearword a thousand times faster than a hundred good words you utter.

Beginners Do Not Realise. A child just learning to talk often does not understand the meaning or inappropriateness of a swearword. Scolding or punishing serves no purpose. Ignoring it generally works – they do not repeat it.

Explain to a Grownup. For a middle or high school child, a simple explanation about the inappropriateness of the word often yields good results.

Punish Only When Needed. A timeout, suspension of certain privileges, or grounding for profanity will reduce the use of swearwords, especially by teens.

Create Expressions. Encourage teens to develop a collection of effective expressions to use in place of swearwords—to deploy in inescapable situations.

A Final Word

Parents must set examples at home and help children overcome the need to use swearwords.

Mark Twain once said: “Under certain circumstances, profanity provides a relief denied even to prayer.”

Perhaps he was right. But relief is temporary. Respect, once lost, takes far longer to restore. The question is not whether teenagers will swear – they will. The question is whether we can teach them that words have weight, and that silence, sometimes, is not empty. It is full of answers that shouting can never reach.